


Secret Love Song

by Rizz07



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24494638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rizz07/pseuds/Rizz07
Summary: Why can't I say that I'm in love?
Relationships: Lando Norris/Max Verstappen
Comments: 22
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe some of you might have already guessed it by the title, but this was heavily inspired by Secret Love Song pt.II by Little Mix and I even added the lyrics in it as well.

To be honest Lando had known what he had gotten himself into when they started this. Had been aware that two men being together in motorsport was still not done, a taboo so to speak. And in all fairness at first he hadn’t minded. Actually kind of liking that they could keep their love just for themselves. Fueled by the thrill of having to sneak around, which was actually being a bit of exciting. But as time passed it quickly started to lose its appealing. And not that long after, it also didn’t feel like keeping their love to just them. No instead he started to realize it actually involved lying. Not just to the media, but more importantly it meant lying to his family and friends. That's when the whole aspect of having a secret relationship changed for him. When it became like a weight pulling him down. Even after they eventually did tell both their parents. They had no other choice, it was tearing him apart to have to keep lying to them.

_We keep behind closed doors_ _  
Every time I see you, I die a little more  
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls  
It'll never be enough_

But to be honest with every day he felt more and more like maybe it wasn’t enough. Every time he saw Max in the paddock, or stood together with him somewhere, when all he could do was keep it friendly. It felt like he was dying a little inside. He wasn’t allowed to hold his hand. Couldn’t hug him the way he wanted to, let alone actually kiss him. Couldn’t share his joy or sadness, at least not in public. When that was all he so desperately longed for at times. Or to simply touch him. To enjoy their closeness. It was making the cracks in his heart bigger and bigger, to the verge of breaking.

_I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down_ _  
You and I both have to hide on the outside  
Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine_

On nights Max wasn’t with him he would cry himself to sleep. He had wanted to be Max’s, but had never imagined what it truly felt like to have to hide away from the outside world. How it would impact their life, his life. How it would make him feel unworthy and angry.At times it felt like he couldn't breathe. At others he wanted to scream and shout. To yell it from the rooftops that they were together. And that he loved Max Verstappen.

_Why can't I say that I'm in love?_ _  
I wanna shout it from the rooftops  
I wish that it could be like that  
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours_

But the fact continued to be that their love was pretty much forbidden. He had to stay silent as the media tried to pry at Max about having a new girlfriend or possible love interest. Hiding away in the shadows. Having to pretend that he didn't care. That there was nothing out of the ordinary or god forbid wrong. Even when his friends had long picked up the change in him. The lack of excitement and smiles. He had seen the worried looks. Had wave off their concern when he clearly wasn't alright. His obvious suffering made it become more and more tempting to break it off with every passing day. Where the idea of being apart started to sound more appealing than staying hidden together. But at the same time, he didn’t want to lose Max. He was the love of his life. His soulmate. The one he hadn’t even believed in until he met him.

_It's obvious you're meant for me_ _  
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly_

Still loving the way their bodies fit together so well. How they could act like absolute fools together at times. How they could laugh and joke. How his bubble and sometimes child like behavior seemed to balance out Max his seriousness perfectly. And how that same seriousness grounded him in return. Not to mention that the man would always know just the way to cheer him up with a simple call, or little story, or with that dry sense of humor of his that he had grown to love.

_I don't wanna live love this way_ _  
I don't wanna hide us away  
I wonder if it ever will change  
I'm living for that day, someday_

If only their love was enough. But he couldn’t stand it longing anymore. It physically pained him to stay away. To not touch him when he was near. He couldn’t keep fighting when he knew their situation would never change. Now if only he could gather the courage to say it out loud. To choose for himself, to safe himself before he crumbled and fell completely apart.

Just then Max walked past him. Gifting him that little secret smile that he had grown accustomed to. Normally he would have smiled back, but he had no longer had the strength to do so. Hiding away had taking its toll. Had broken. With longing eyes full of hurt, he could only stare after the man. Having to live through yet another moment were he hadn’t been allowed to truthfully acknowledge the man he loved or their love.

_Oh, why can't you hold me in the street?_ _  
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?  
I wish that it could be like that  
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours  
Why can't I say that I'm in love?  
I wanna shout it from the rooftops  
I wish that it could be like that  
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours_

_Why can't we be like that?  
Wish we could be like that_


	2. Love me or Leave me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wanted a part 2, so here it is.

Of course he was aware of what was wrong with Lando. How could he not. It was obvious. They way he only rarely smiled nowadays, fake smiles not counting. How is bright eyes became duller and duller with the day. The way he focused all his attention on work and driving for McLaren. It had gotten way past the point where he could ignore it, to pretend he didn’t notice. Even when Lando continued to keep on a brave face and tried to keep up his appearance even for him.

_You're lying and you know I know  
Baby what have we become?  
What happened?_

He had to face the truth. That their relationship, being together with him in secrecy, was tearing Lando apart. And it left him completely torn. He loved Lando, more than anyone. Never having expected find a love so deep, so true, so intense. But at the same time it broke his heart to see Lando suffer the way he did. To become a shadow of what he used to be. And it pained him to know that he, and being with him, was the reason for that. His mother had always told him, that love should be something good. But if that was the case, why did it feel like torture for them? Why was it the reason for tears and pain, instead of happiness.

_No, this isn't fair_

And of course it was affecting him as well. And not just through Lando. He had become to hate it as well. To hide. To pretend. If only they had another choice. If only they could come out and not be hated and judged for their love. They risked their jobs if they did. Could lose sponsors and no one would want to employ them anymore after. And let’s face it, without the ability to do what the loved most, to drive and race. Neither one of them would be happy either. It would tear them apart all the same.

_We used to never go to bed angry  
But it's all we ever do lately  
You're turning away like you hate me  
Do you hate me, do you hate me? _

Not that it stopped him from trying, to find a solution. It might be selfish of him for wanting to keep Lando with him, but above all else, he wanted the Brit to be happy. He hated how they keep going to bed angry. Both of them frustrated after yet another day of hiding. Loathed how when he tried to snuggle closer, to seek his lover’s comfort, Lando would sometimes turn away from him. Feeling his heart break a little every time he did. Could feel his resentment.

_Love me baby, please  
'Cause I could still be the only one you need  
The only one close enough to feel you breathe  
Yeah, I could still be that place where you run  
Instead of the one that you're running from_

He tried to keep hope, but upon arrive back in their room one day, he instantly knew he had run out of time. His stomach dropped upon seeing Lando get up. Seeing him wrap his arms protectively around himself. Tears rolling down his cheeks. And if that wasn’t reason enough for concern, the packed suitcase next to him was. His eyes watered, as a lump formed in his throat.

He wanted to convince him not to do this. To not give up. Wanted to beg on his knees for him to stay. But he couldn’t. Not only because he was too chocked up to do so. But because it wasn't fair. He knew he needed to be selfless and let him go. For both Lando’s sake, as his.

_You, can take this heart  
Heal it or break it all apart  
No, this isn't fair_

“Max” Lando tried. His voice barely above a whisper, before a sob fall from his lips. Max could see how he desperately tried to keep it together.

Sadly Max shook his head. “Don’t” he simple said. “I know.” Not wanting to hear the words, he knew Lando had reached his breaking point. It broke his heart to let him go, but deep down he knew it needed to be done. He couldn’t be responsible for the man’s downfall, especially not by his doing.

Using all his strength to stay strong as Lando threw himself in his arms, crying. “I love you. I love you so much” the younger sobbed. And he didn't doubt that for once second. If only it had been enough. 

Willing back the tears, he slowly wrapped his arms around him. Hugging him as tightly as he could. “I know. I love you too” he spoke softly, voice heavy with emotions. Nuzzling the brown mop of hair once last time. “But it’s okay” he forced himself to say. No matter how much it hurt him, Lando’s mental health went before his pain.

Slowly Lando pulled away. His eyes red rimmed and conflicted. “I wish I didn’t have to” he sobbed. So do I, Max thought. So do I.

Still he tried to be brave and to give Lando a sad smile. To show that he understood, but ended up failing miserably. “We gave it our all.” Leaving the ‘but it wasn’t enough’ hanging in the air. Not sure if the words were to comfort Lando or to convince himself.

Lando nodded, looking down at his feet. “I’m sorry” he whispered. Moving back to grab his suitcase and bag.

He desperately wanted to say something, but all words died on his lips. Nothing he could do or say could make this alright or any easier. Instead he bowed his head. Unable to look as Lando was ready to walk out of his life. Trying with all his might to keep it together. To hold back the tears. To not make this any harder than it already was. He couldn’t even turn around when Lando hesitated at the door. Knowing without turning his head, that the Brit glanced back at him one last time. Either with the last bit of hope or in sadness. He just couldn’t face it. It would tear him apart. Break the last bit of control he still had over his emotions and he couldn’t do that, and wouldn’t do that to Lando.

_No, this isn't fair  
Love me or leave me here_

Instead he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. His breath hitching upon hearing the door being opened. Squeezing his eyes shut when heard the shaky sad sigh falling from Lando’s lips. Flinching as the Brit pulled it shut behind him. He was gone.

Only when he was certain of that, did he allow himself to sank down to the floor and break down. Letting go, he cried his heart out. Beyond devastated by losing the love of his life. A pain unlike anything he had ever experienced. It was consuming him. Leaving a hole in chest. A wound, deep, fresh and wide open. Having to accept that he had failed. He had failed love and he had failed Lando.

Only when he felt himself started to hyperventilate did he reach out for his phone. Calling the only person he could still got in the paddock.

“Dan” he gasped, clutching his chest. “Need…you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will this be the truly be the end? Or is there still hope for them? Will there be a part 3? That's all up to you!


	3. Wings

The break up turned out to be a wakeup call for him. He hated that he had to let Lando go, missing him terribly. Feeling empty without him in his life. On top of that he had gotten an earful from Daniel, for not telling him about it. “I’m supposed to be your friend” had been thrown at his head. The Aussie had called him an absolutely idiot, for his views and for being so stupid to let Lando go. “Seriously mate, it’s like I’m hearing your father speak.” Suggesting that instead of listening to him, he should talk to his mother and ask her for her opinion.

If he was honest, Daniel had a point. All his believes were taught to him by his father, making them his own along the way. So he followed his friend’s advice and talked to her. “Oh Max, why didn’t you tell me about this sooner” she had exclaimed sorrowful after hearing him out. “If this is so important to you, you should talk to your team. See what their views are, before deciding for them. Times are changing, even in motor sport” she told him. “But don’t go to that old fool, talk to Christian.”

_Mama told me not to waste my life_

Giving him something to think about, to consider an option he hadn’t even thought about before, or thought was actually there. And that was why he ended up doing it, scheduling an appointment with Christian. He might have lost Lando, but it also made him more determined than ever to grab any chance of getting him back, with both hands.

And unlike what he had originally thought, his team principal, albeit shocked, was surprisingly understanding. Even open to the idea of having a gay driver. “It was bound to happen” the man told Max. Telling him that he and the team would support him if or when he decided to come out, as there was no need to keep hidden if he didn’t want to.

“What about Helmut?” Along with his father, the man was his biggest concern. Both men sharing an old fashion view on being gay and not to mention in Motorsport.

“Leave him to me” Christian reassured him. Even going as far as setting him up with someone from the media department to set up a statement for when he did came out. “Because I know you, and you will throw it out there when we least expect it, in the spurt of the moment kind of thing” Christian told him. “And I want to be prepared.” He winked. Knowing exactly what he was like.

_Don't let what they say keep you up at night  
And if they give you shhhh...  
Then they can walk on by_

Hearing about that, his mom had been delighted. Pulling him into a hug, truly happy for him and proud of him. “Just be yourself" She made him promise.

**

It still took him some time to figure out what he truly wanted, what he was comfortable with and to actually gather the courage. But now that he had, he was determined to get his man back. And today, today was that day. He had just won the GP, still running on high on adrenaline. But he wasn’t thinking about that. No he was more focused on who had finished 4th, securing his best result yet. Just so incredibly happy for him, that it even outshines his win.

_My feet, feet can't touch the ground  
And I can't hear a sound_

The cheers of the crowd only a vague background noise to his ears. Too focused on Lando, who just climbed out of his car. A giant grin on his face as he pulled off his helmet. Accepting the congratulation hugs from Daniel and Carlos, the number 5 and 6 of the race. But then the Brit stilled, noticing him coming his way and Max could see his eyes widening a little. The surprise, the question in them.

_Mama told me not to waste my life,  
She said spread your wings my little butterfly_

No longer holding back Max embraced him, lifting the small Brit off of his feet. “I’m so happy for you! So proud!” he told him over all the cheers. “Always knew you could do it.” Well aware of the amazing driver the man was. Actually twirling around with the McLaren driver in his arms.

Lando laughed as he set him back on the ground. Looking up at him with slightly disbelieving and amazed eyes. But then he sobered up, like he remembered their situation, remembered where they were. But he didn’t want him to feel bad, not now. So Max took the opportunity to look him deep in his eyes, silently telling him he was ready and asking him for permission.

At first they were confused, questioning, but then his eyes widened in realization. A bright smile spreading on his lips. And that was all he needed. Leaning down he captured Lando’s lips in a kiss. Swallowing his surprised gasp. Ignoring the sounds of surprise going through the crowd around them. No longer caring what people would say or were going say. He had his guy, the man of his dreams. So let them talk and judge.

_Your words don't mean a thing  
I'm not listening  
They're just like water off my wings_

With Lando by his side, he could handle the world. He had the support of his mom, his sister and the team and that was the most important thing. Even when he was sure his father was somewhere throwing a fit somewhere. But let him. Choosing to enjoy the way Lando's arms wrapped themselves around his neck, over that. Loving how the younger melted into the kiss and into his embrace. Fitting there oh so perfectly. 

_Mama told me not to waste my life  
She said spread your wings my little butterfly (my little butterfly)  
Don't let what they say keep you up at night  
And they can't detain you  
'Cause wings are made to fly  
And we don't let nobody bring us down  
No matter what you say – it won't hurt me  
Don't matter if I fall from the sky  
These wings are made to fly_


	4. Your love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We started with Lando's pov, so I wanted to finish with it as well.

At times he still felt the need to pinch himself, to check if this was really true. Especially because he had thought that when he walked out of their shared room and their relationship that day, that that was it. It was all over, and for good. And even if that decision had pained him beyond anything he had ever felt before. Had broken his heart, deep down he had known he was doing the right thing. Even till this day. They couldn’t have continued, he couldn’t have. And as much at it had hurt, no nearly destroyed him, he had done it for him. Even if it sucked, big time, to try to live his life as a single man again, without Max. But he had to. Live didn’t stop just because he got his heart broken, it moved on and he still had a job to do. But there was no denying it was the most difficult time of his life. A daily struggle. Having to force himself out of bed on some days. To tell himself to keep going.

And then that race happened. The race where he ended up 4th and everything just fell into place. Yeah okay, it wasn’t a podium. Not yet at least, but it was his best result in Formula 1 yet and he was allowed to be happy about it, ecstatic even. Climbing out of the car with such a big grin, that he feared his face would split in half, but he hadn’t cared. Gleefully accepting the congratulations hugs from Daniel and Carlos. The last one especially proud of him, having become kind of a big brother to him. But then he had noticed Max coming his way, with an equally big grin on his face, full of pride. It had confused him. Since their break up they hadn’t interacted much, well almost at all. And now he was suddenly walking towards him. Hugging him, and not in a simply friendly way. No the man had actually lifted him off his feet in a giant hug. Telling Lando how proud he was of him. It was like he was back again, back to the time they were together. But he didn’t dare to hope. This wasn’t real, the loud noises coming from the crowd was prove of that. They were no longer together, and even if they had been, they had never been allowed to be out in the open like this. Max was just being friendly, a good friend.

But then the man had looked him right in the eye and it had been all there. The love, the need, the want, the devotion. It had taken his breath away. Max was ready, like ready ready and asking him if it was okay. And yes. Yes of course it was! A smile spreading on his lips. And then Max was kissing him! Right there and then, in front of everyone. The drivers, the fans, the media, for the whole world to see and he couldn’t be happier. This was what he had always longed for. Melting into his arms. As Max pulled him closer.

_You pull me close and there's no way that I can describe  
What your love make me feel like, oh  
Your love make me feel like, oh  
Your love make me feel like, oh_

The aftermath of their public coming out like that, had been absolutely insane. Everyone was talking about it. Asking them questions. Digging into their personal lives. And it didn’t take long before the haters let their voices be heard. Homophobes and just plain haters. Saying stuff like it was a disgrace for motor sport, that they were a disgrace, that it was sick and that it shouldn’t be allowed. That two drivers shouldn’t be dating. That it would only influence their driving, would affect them if they would battle in a race. Which was insane. If anything it was the other way around. They were very competitive, neither one wanting to do under for the other. 

Luckily both teams had their backs. Max had already know that about Red Bull, but he was relieved to find that the same could be said for McLaren. Both their teams coming out with clear statements that they fully supported their drivers. Zak was actually very vocal about it, that if anyone had problem with it, they had to answer to him. To get their minds out of the gutter and accept that they were living in the 21st century. And Lando was grateful for that, to know his boss was willing to fight on his behalf.

“What are you doing up?”

Startled out of his thoughts, he turned around to see a still half asleep Max walking into the kitchen. Yawning, while rubbing the sleep out of his eye as he walked over to him, hugging him from behind. Pressing a kiss on his temple. Making him feel warm and loved.

_Come and kiss me like the first time  
That's what your love make me feel like_

“Couldn’t sleep” he admitted sheepishly.

“Didn’t you stop drinking that?” Max questioned. Nodding his head to the glass of milk in his hand.

He had, most of the time. “Sometimes I just can’t resist” he shrugged. A smile playing on his lips.

Humming Max nuzzled his hair. “Why don’t you come back to bed.” And who was he to resist. Seeing no reason to stay here, as part of the reason he was here in the first place, was not to wake Max with his tossing and turning.

Emptying his glass, he put it down. Following his boyfriend who lead him back to their bedroom, back to bed.

_Come closer 'cause I want it all over my body  
Boy, there ain't no heartache you can't undo_

Through everything Max had stood by him like a reassuring rock. His love from him never wavering, not even when Jos tried to force his son to break up with him. It had all backfired in his face, because instead of doing that Max had grabbed his hand. Telling his father that if he couldn’t accept Lando or his love for him, that he could go.

_Whoa, you're the one that I need  
Take my hand baby, please_

A difficult time, because for a while Jos did walk out on Max. Needing time, Lando guessed, before he accepted that this was how it was, that he had no control over it. Even if till this day it was clear the man still didn’t like it much. But they didn’t let it bothering them, they were happy and in love and that was all that mattered.

Not that it was all puppies and sunshine. There came a lot of stress with being the first two out drivers and out couple on top of that. The hate, the curiosity, the lack of privacy due to all the media attention. It had even crossed his mind more than once, if it was actually worth it. But it was, they had each other, they just needed to hang in there and bite through it. Taking comfort in each other. Helped by the fact that they understood one another so well, because they were in the same boat. And eventually the attention slowly died down, almost going back to what was normal for a F1 driver. A massive relief. Feeling like he could breath again. They had survived it. Their love had conquered it all.

Again who would have thought that him deciding to give up. To chose for himself. Would end up making this possible. For Max get it together, to step up and finding the courage to truly love him, like Lando loved him. No more secrecy, just love.

_Your love make me feel like  
Your love make me feel like  
Your love make me feel like  
Dirty dancing in the moonlight  
That's what your love make me feel like _

They were soulmates. He was sure of it. Ready to conquer live together. Because being loved by Max felt amazing. It made him feel powerful , strong and loved, like he could handle anything.

So he was perfectly content being cuddled up with Max in their bed. Resting his head on the Dutchman’s chest, loving to fall asleep to the steady beat of his heart. Max fingers in his hair, massaging his skull. It was enough to slowly lull him back to sleep. In the arms of the man he loved.

_Your love, your love, your love_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end. Thank your for staying with me throughout it and I hope you enjoyed it :)

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Lando.
> 
> Would you like to see a part 2 for this? If yes, what should it include. Max his pov? The breaking up, or maybe that happy ending after all.


End file.
